The B-Word.

Creativity and I have a complicated relationship. Lately, she hasn't been around when I've needed her and when she finally shows up, she's quiet, or I can't find the energy to spend any time with her. I can see her in the distance- she's over there laughing with Passion, Joy, and Motivation. But I'm stuck over here, struggling in her absence. The empty space of where she used to be leaves too much room for me to rendevouz with other feelings like Doubt, Fear, and Depression. 

This has never happened to us before. We've always had such a strong relationship and things we're going so well. The two of us we're filled with big dreams and even bigger ideas, but suddenly she was gone. I haven't found her since.

I've spent the last 6 years working tirelessly to achieve the B-I-G dream: to create my work full-time. Now that my dream is finally here, I just keep wanting to push against it. The exciting dreams I once had for where I could take my business now seem insurmountable. Even the smallest tasks, like prepping a canvas, require too many steps and it's just easier not to do it.

In 28 years, I have never doubted whether or not I've wanted to be an artist. It was always something I was so sure of, and so passionate about. No matter what else was going on around me, or changing in my life, that was the one thing I could always hold on to and be sure of. 

I don't know who I am without a paintbrush in my hand. I've always defined myself by my unwavering determination to reach this goal of being an artist. When people ask me what I do for a living, the answer is always "I am an artist". Not "I paint pictures" or "I create art", but "I AM an artist". Now that feels like I'm telling a lie when I say it. The things that used to excite me just don't anymore. For once, my brain isn't swimming in ideas, but instead it's caught up in so much anxiety and guilt. I am so lucky to have this opportunity and yet, I'm struggling to get off the couch lately.

Creating is such an extension of who I am that without it, I don't know who else I could be. That's not something I'm ready to find out yet, but it does make me curious. I'm not saying that I'm packing away my brushes anytime soon- but I just need some time to fall back in love with it. Maybe this is just temporary and will blow over in a few more days, but in the meantime, if you see Creativity around, please tell her to call me.

Hi guys. I wrote the above a few days ago, before it dawned on me that what I am experiencing is usually known as burnout. As you just read, this has never happened to me before and it really freaked me out. 

The sudden change in my daily routine, mixed with a ton of stress and pressure; plus a heavy bout of depression has really done me in and led to a full-blown identity crisis. I haven't seen the other side of it just yet but I wanted to post this in case someone else is feeling the same way. It was a huge relief to me when I started researching and finding that what I was feeling is normal, and in most cases, temporary. So if you're reading this and can resonate with some of these feelings, please reach out and maybe we can help each other.

Lots of love to you.

PS. Also, sorry for being a downer. I really appreciate you guys always sticking by me, no matter what.

PPS. If you're waiting on artwork from me, it's still coming, I promise. I'm just quietly tackling everything and getting caught up.